UPSIDE DOWN HANDS, CRUNCHED LEGS

I'm feeling better. I posted, rather darkly I might add, about something that had chewed me up inside. Actually, it was my last post, "Don't spill the beans, ...." etc. A friend of mine asked me how I felt about it now. So, after about 96 hours of crunching anxiety (and that's the best metaphor I can come up because that's what it felt like inside sometimes) I am calming down. These are not fun times for me-I mean, when I do this. I think, sometimes, I just hit some kind of emotional brick wall doing about 100 mph. Guess what happens when you hit a wall doing 100 mph and you're not wearing a helmet or anything else around your soft parts?...yea....it gets icky. So Mazie was right. I'm just going to have to always try harder. Whether it's emotionally, or academically, or socially or whatever "ly" it is, my intention is to try harder at it. There. Stay mindful and try harder. Or pull a "yoda"..."there is no try, only do"....After typing that last sentence, I raised my bottle of Mountain Dew to take a drink and the cap was still on....way to feel humble....

Interestingly as I was going to sleep last night I was listening to one of my Holosync (I would insert a little trademark sign above that word, but I don't know how) entitled "FLOATING". Holosync (which I love) uses state-of-the-art technology (binaural "stuff" that deserves to be explained but I'm too tired to get my literature out and explain it, sorry) that takes you to very deep meditative states. The binaural "stuff" has a slight delay in each ear that does something to each hemisphere that triggers other things, and on and on...anyway! It's cool. There's lots of subliminal stuff in there and it's just trippy. So! Those who know me know that I was doing Transcendental Meditation (TM) years ago. Holosync accelerates the effects of TM tremendously. It's not really recommended for people with seizure activity but as I don't have grand mal seizures, or petite mal seizures, and my seizures are temporal lobe and more of the mystical/altered reality- type seizures and I actually rather dig them, I do the CDs on occasion-but what I'm getting at on this weird rant is what happened last night.

I was laying in bed, listening to FLOATING and relaxing...REALLY relaxing... There are several ways that deep relaxation can manifest in an individual. One of the ways is that various limbs or parts of the body will feel like they are on upside down. For years, as I worked with my hands and they held lots of tension, when I meditated, it would feel like my hands were on upside down. Very weird. Last night, the strangest thing of all happened! First, I noticed that my hands AND my arms were not oriented correctly. They felt as though they were pointing upward as in a guarded position, like something was going to fall on me. Also, my right leg below the knee was laying at right angle to my upper leg. My left leg was also badly misshapened. As I lay there, I didn't freak out, I just observed it. I realized how correct my description of "crunching" anxiety had been. The image I had of my body as a whole was that I had fallen off a very tall building and was crunched. One of the oddest things of temporal lobe epilepsy, coupled with meditation, is the break of consciousness that can occur. So this split, this out-of-body feeling can be useful if you can stay rational and understand that it's electrical discharges, but go with the feeling and figure out what you can from it. What, if any, is the message, the metaphor? What is the body/mind/spirit communicating? So, that was it. My poor little body was all crunched up. So, I just relaxed it. And I had a great night's sleep. Feeling much better and no worse for wear.

And now, time to walk the dogs.