"Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Ohmygoshohmygosh." That was my reaction to a friend's response to an honest-to-goodness ad on Craigslist for some paranormal, time-traveling researchers. I'm deadly serious. Here's the ad ---> Craigslist ad for Paranormal Time Traveller recruitment!!!
If you go there, you will find the ad and in addition to THAT, the professionals in charge of the whole sh'bang have included a questionnaire. Again, I'm deadly serious. I'm not dissing anyone. I'm as woo woo as they come. Believe me. I'll never run for public office! The reason I have had so much fun with this is because my friend, who shall remain nameless, is one of the funniest people on the planet. He is bright and Oscar-Wilde-witty and so...I read his responses to the questions. I laughed so hard, I almost peed. Okay. I peed a little. Sue me. In fact, I'm still smiling. So....I'm going to cut and paste his responses...edited. If you want the full questionnaire, you'll have to go to the link. These answers are NOT for the weak-kneed or non-tolerant. I will edit the language, but you'll kinda sorta know what he's saying. I just hope you get a smile or two. I know I did. So...here it is:
If you would like to be considered for participating Paranormal Experiment #1 as a volunteer and be on film for free, please answer questions that are applicable to you below and submit to firstname.lastname@example.org, Subject: Paranormal Experiment.
Bring your instruments, crystals, tools, sounds, cards, charms, methodology for time travel so people can learn and it be documented on film.
Filming Times are from 11am to 3:30pm, November 14, 2010, Heritage Marina Hotel, 2550 Van Ness Avenue, San Francisco, CA 94109
1.) What is the strangest Paranormal / Supernatural experience you have encountered?
I once encountered a random fart cloud in the midst of a Waffle House which was positively ghoulish. Total demon spawn! AIIIEEE! It burnses mine eyes, forsooth! (Seriously though, I could taste it.)
2.) In all of your years, have you run across a variety of Time travelers. What are they like?
In all of my years I have run across a variety of Time Travelers and they were all incapable of using proper punctuation to formulate a question. I suspect that time travel affects the language portion of the brain to such an extent that one's interrogative statements become declarative. Also, they all had a slight speech impediment, a penchant for S&M and a strange obsession with glow sticks.
4.) What do you think about about M-theory, dark energy and dimensions?
Tasty in milk.
5.) Can mathmatics and science explain everything?
Just the real things.
7.) What is Magick?
An intentional mispelling of the word Magic used to convey the douchiness of the speller.
9.) What is do you think the connection is between Science, Magick and Religion? Or are there such connection(s)?
I think that Science was dating Magick once and it got pretty serious, although they didn't go all the way because Science was all "That's not rational." And they dated for a while, but then Religion was all, "Nuh-uh, bitch, Magick is mine" and then it was all "I turn blood to wine, motherf**ker, so suck on that, but not literally, because that's vampirism." And then Science was all, "You fool, ain't no such thing as a vampire." And Magick was all, "I use my plus four sword of Zanthdarmakalafussinklambdo to slay you both because my dad was a vampire and you don't even know."
10.) Why do you think people have premonitions?
Because a postmonition is just a remembery.
12.) When did you realize you had a special gift and how did you, and others react to it?
I realized I had a special gift at the age of 17, and my boyfriend at the time reacted accordingly. Because I am awesome...and cruel.
14.) Do you have a day job? If so, what is it?
I am a geologist, which is like time traveling in a big way.
15.) Other than the paranormal what are your interests?
I like this shirt I'm wearing; it makes my eyes look shazaam, and that is interesting to me. Maybe if I went back in time I would have sex with me. I look really, really good in this shirt. I mean really, really good. Maybe I'll leave a note for future me to come back here and do present me. That would be hot enough to video tape.
Dear future me,
Remember to come back to today and get it on with me. Also, buy a video camera, because this is going to be hot!
17.) What was the last thing that made you laugh hysterically?
That is a hyperbole. You should look up the definition of hysteria.
19.) Ever appear in a documentary of television/film before? If so, what was it?
I was geologist #2 in the film "Full Metal Whack-it." Okay, I wasn't.
22.) What do you love?
coffee, rain, yo daddy.
24.) Any odd traits or not so secret quirks?
Yes. Will you be asking me about my secret ones later, because if I reveal them I will have to kill you.
27.) Where do you see your life taking you in the next 5 years?
Approximately five years into the future, if my time travel remains constant.
28.) What is your favorite phrase or term?
Schadenfreude...the germans have a word for everything horrible!
31.) Are you married/dating/single? (elaborate based on response)
single. I don't know how to elaborate on that. I don't like people, so why would I date one?
32.) What is your living situation?
33.) What do you think of the President?
He has very nice dimples. I bet his stomach is really flat.
34.) Do you identify with a political party/social movement/cause or set of ideals? If so, what and why? And for how long?
Ideally I like an occasional cheeseburger. Cheeseburgers are awesome. Because they are cheese and burgers. I have pretty much believed this forever. (Once while time traveling I met the guy who invented the cheeseburger, he believed in Magick, so I smacked him soundly and then we made out for like an hour.)