Monday, January 12, 2009

Me, Juan, Evelyn, and that flippin' cranberry orange bread...

So I was at a local grocery store today purchasing things for tomorrow's dinner. It's for tomorrow because it involves pinto beans and they need to soak overnight. Perhaps that's too much information...don't know. But I'm assuming you were curious...

Anyway, I'm waiting to check out and the lady in front of me completes her check-out, is totally finished mind you, and the checker, Juan Gonzales...I can tell you his name because being two hours from the border, Juan Gonzales is to southern California what Bob Smith is to Columbus, Ohio relative to prevalence...so, this lady, let's call her Evelyn says to Juan (in her snowbird, Eastern seaboard accent), "Oh, by the way, the last time I was in here, there was a lovely loaf of bread, right over there *pointing* with cranberries and orange in it. I asked after it today and the girl said the truck was bringing it in later tonight." At this point, she stops and looks at Juan. At first I thought, "Oh! I know this Seinfeld episode. It's the one where Elaine fights the old lady for the bread at the bakery...wait..." No...

Now, I'm intrigued at what Juan's going to do. Apparently, the ball is in Juan's court. I turn to study Juan's face. His eyes are wide. The irises are surrounded by whites. His expression is one of fear mixed with confusion. In a split second he regains his composure. He does the only thing he can think of. He takes the pen out of his pocket and grabs a piece of paper. He asks for her name (he doesn't ask for her phone number) and says, "Let me have your name madam. I will check personally for that loaf of bread after the truck arrives."

She was satisfied with this service. As she left, the bagger asked if she had purchased the lip liner that was lying in the bottom of her cart. She replied, "No" and had to check out again. My items had to be cancelled and this item rung out. After the price was told her ($12.00) she said, "Oh, I don't want it for THAT price!". I looked at her...steady...and she changed her mind and paid for it.

After she left I looked at Juan and said, "So Juan, what exactly are your superpowers? Do you have the ability to fast forward time and bring that bread truck here quickly? Or perhaps once that cranberry orange loaf arrives, do you have the power to teleport that food item directly to her kitchen counter? Because you see Juan, I'm curious what exactly your resume looks like. Does this store only hire superheroes? You were really really nice to Evelyn, Juan. And me? I would have gone Christopher Walken on her AND her cranberry orange loaf. Really. Kudos to you Juan. Kudos." And with that, the credits would have rolled....

4 comments:

The Bowmans said...

who would you cast as Evelyn? (i'm working on the screen play right now.)

The Katzbox said...

LOL!!!! Hmmmm....oh,funny....maybe the actress that played George Costanza's mother in Seinfeld...with that annoying nasal toned voice...ouch, my ears are bleeding just thinking of it....

Funny funny person you are....

Eli Bowman said...

And then Christopher Walken would take the screenplay and eliminate all of the punctuation and then say, "goodnight moon goodnight stars". And then The Prophecy would play on TNT, TBS, or USA, which would be sweet because then I could watch it again.

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