Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Well, do we really have any idea what's coming?

I have written this particular blog several times...I've even published it at times...some of you may have even read it and then come back and found it gone...perhaps it will be the same with this...you speedy readers that jump on this blog at just the right time after I hit the "publish post" button...a few minutes before I hit the "edit post" button and make the words vanish. But here goes again...maybe these will stay this time.

Oh, I should have this typed and saved in a word document so I can cut and paste and save myself the agony of having to retype all of this but perhaps that is my penetence for not having the courage to post this silly thing in the first place. I'm just making too much drama about it. Oh, for crying out loud, it's just not that big of a deal...just to me, no one else...yeesh.

Here's the deal, deep breath, oh, see?...stoopid...

Many months ago, over a year now, I was diagnosed with temporal lobe issues. I hesitate to use the word epilepsy because I have never had a seizure per se. The idea of an epileptic seizure conjures up grand mal seizures and I have never had any type of seizure involving musculature contractions or those most associated with epileptic occurrences. I went to the neurologist for my migraines, of which I suffered for several years. I was also experiencing nocturnal amnesia, which he believed to be related to drugs. He performed an EEG, which was very positive for abnormal electrical activity (Oh, duh!)...and he began treating with me antiseizure meds, even tho I hadn't had any seizures. I didn't mind because it was the same medication I had been taking to control the outbreak of my migraines.

For peace of mind, I sought a second opinion...underwent a 2nd EEG, a digital contraption in the hospital, which was wildly positive, and this particularly neurologist was kind enough to refer me back to the original neurologist for continuity of care, etc.

Here's where it gets weird...and anyone who has followed my blog has probably picked up on this...My seizures are of a mystical nature...and they're only "seizures" because that's what science has labeled them. When I am having an "episode", everyone's countenance looks beautiful...absolutely stunning...I feel an overwhelming love for everyone I gaze upon...I cannot account for it but I cannot deny it either...I would be lying and God knows I would be lying and I would know I was lying.

Other episodes include the world outside having a "charmed" or "enchanted" feel or appearance to them. The sunlight appears illustrated by a cosmic cartoonist (I realize how strange that sounds, please understand that)...but it has a surreal look and feel to it...it makes me smile...colors are deeper, the air is lighter, the light is whiter, I understand that this is bliss and I don't want it to end. Also, this is episodic, not continual...that would be too cool...alas.

It is for this reason that I am choosing to cut in half my medication with the thought of no longer being medicated at all. I have stopped the evening dosage. I will see how that goes for the next couple of weeks. I hope to be totally unmedicated within a few weeks.


I saw this coming as a child...I knew I was different and weird and had a spiritual bent...I was the kid the other children brought deceased birds and animals to for burial, etc. I was a ponderer from the time I could form thoughts...possibly before. I have always had episodes where I felt like I was free-falling. These only last a few seconds but apparently this is connected to the temporal lobe. Funny, when someone wants to ride the Demon Drop at Cedar Point I'm all, "Um, no..thx anyway...heh heh" I was a bouncer...the kid on the couch who beat herself to death banging back and forth...or drawing over and over with my left hand (significant, apparently) I used to read faces when I still had to look up to do it because their countenances held information that words didn't. But you just don't talk about stuff like...especially in the 50s and 60s...there was no dialogue for that...not in my house anyway.

The temporal lobe is sorta kinda in charge of what we consider beautiful/sacred/special. We pour electrical charges over it into the amygdala. In my case, over time, these electrical charges pour over the temporal lobe like a water fall, creating ruts and gullies, deepening and carving out these areas-more so than the neurotypical person...therefore, what holds beauty for someone like me is far more acute and developed than my neighbor...I find profound, breathtaking awe in the cosmos, right down to a grain of sand, and it won't lighten up in the near future...it continues to deepen and refine.

My memory is suffering because of this and for that I am sorry. It's very frustrating for me and more frustrating for my children and family. I will tell you that I never ever forget love; the who's, how's, when's or why's.

Well, thx for hanging in thru this lengthy post...I'm out, that's all I cared about...love to you all...stay spiritual...remember what someone waaaay smarter than me said, "We are not humans having a spiritual experience, we are spirits having a human experience"....aint' it the truth!


Diane said...

My dear old friend....
You say you knew you were different and weird. Yes...I know that too...but you forgot special, so very special. You are a gift to all who you love and who love you.
(and your kind of different and weird is a good thing. I am nuts about your weirdness. seriously.)

Diane said...

I mean "whom you love". I can't stand it when I sound like a redneck....even tho' I am.

katzbox said...

I think we're both from "redneck" country...we just don't want to be from "beard-neck country"...yeesh...that sounds worse...and thanks for your kind words, that's why I loves ya...you love me through bowling shoes and popcorn tosses so, what can I say?..and don't you find it odd that we share numerous medical issues...don't you DARE get an EEG!!!

The Slusser Family said...

I LOVE all these things about you. And, I especially love your poor memory. I can tell you Mae stories over and over again and you JOY in them repeatedly. . .now, is there really anything wrong with that?

frizzlefry said...

I have heard of others with these same types of "seizuers" and they too agree with you that medicating them away is to remove pure joy from their lives. I mean, people seek out mind altering and life damaging substances in order to have the experiences God blessed you with. As long as your quality of life is good, let your quality of joy be excellent. You have plenty of brain cells to lose before you are of an average IQ, so no need to worry about the memory either!
I love you. Thank you for the joy you bring to my life too.