Saturday, August 15, 2009

HIGH NOON IN MY KITCHEN AND OTHER SUNDRY ITEMS...YEA, I'M BACK.

Well, I'm back, but I don't know for how long. I'm sitting in a parking lot "borrowing" their internet waves. I don't have the 'net in my home yet-still settling in. But let me tell you about my new habitat for inhumanity. No...it's not that bad. I actually love my new neighborhood. It is so convenient to everything...and I mean everything that I could ever imagine needing is within 1.8 miles of my front door. It's a "geographic oddity"! (O Brother Where Art Thou reference). I've clocked it. EVERYTHING. Even a hookah bar. But I haven't seen one strip joint or "gentlemen's club" AT ALL. It's quite refreshing. The ocean breeze is also refreshing. I can drive with my windows down. People are walking around outside, in August, by CHOICE. Amazing!!! Do you hear me Chany and Warren? Tell the Big O to transfer you right back here!!! :) It's a gathering place for the Saints-really! It's latter day prophecy.

Anyhoo, some small, weird facts about the apartment. There is tract lighting in my vurry (nod to Eric) small kitchen which aligns straight down the middle of the ceiling. This gives the feeling that it is constantly high noon in my kitchen. Do you know what happens at high noon? Besides gun duels. By the way, what happens after a gun duel? One person is vurry (nod to E-rod) dead and one person is left looking ruggedly handsome and remorseful. The other thing that happens at high noon is the casting of shadows. Everywhere I turn, there are shadows. I'm like a giant, moving sun dial. It's always half-past Debbie in my kitchen. It's maddening.

Also, I live upstairs. I'm constantly schlepping groceries and sundry items (like my computer bag and text books) upstairs. I'm going to create muscles if this keeps up. If I develop muscles, I'll have no excuse for not running the monstrous vacuum cleaner anymore. This could be problematic.

Pete has exchanged all of the light bulbs for the low-heat, low-energy, big savings pig-tail looking light bulbs. I think that's a fine idea but I also think they're funny looking as all get out. All of my appliances look like illuminescent swine have climbed into them leaving only their tails exposed.

I have no storage for all of the food that we have. Crazy. During the zombie apocalypse, one's best course for survival (besides breaking into and securing your local Costco) is to break into and secure a local Mormon residence. There is plenty of food and water to last you for a long long time. There. I said it.

Well, my battery storage is running low. Also, I'm gathering withering stares from others as I sit here in my car, in the breezy shade, typing on my laptap. I probably appear weird. I should flash a fake badge of some kind and look CSI-ish. Oh yea, outside of a Von's grocery store...yea, that's me...cutting edge....

Hopefully, I'll be back on Monday with more biting, sardonic, wit. Adieu.

4 comments:

Chany said...

Wow- we feel special being mentioned in your wonderfully entertaining blog!! You make me laugh out loud! I am glad that you don't have to cry out " I'm melting- melting" anymore as you walk from place to place- that's nice! How is the ward there? We love u guys too :) You just need to quit pretending that you actually like California and you need to move here:)

hi, i'm nancy! said...

ok, deb, exactly WHERE do you live anyway? i'm not getting a clear picture here - on the one hand,you have no internet connectivity except for in a grocery store parking lot, and yet, on the other, you are 1.8 miles from everything. meanwhile, you are close enough to the ocean to feel its breeze, which suggests a sunny california paradise to me - and one, i would think, with internet.

'sup with your new crib, girlfriend??????

Rachel said...

Hey! I live around the corner from a hookah lounge. It is our neighborhood joke.

The Katzbox said...

Chany: Peter would LOVE to move to where you are...totally!

Nancy: The only reason we don't have the net is because we haven't contact Verizon yet to hook us up...it's here...it's all around us...we're the ones who haven't made the call. We have to make the call and we're arguing on when to do it... :(

Rachel: It's hysterical. I can't get the image of the caterpillar from Alice's adventures out of my head...