GOING PUBLIC WITH SCARY STOMACH SOUNDS....

My stomach makes the loudest stomach noises on the planet...bar none! It's frightening. You can hear the noises my stomach makes from across the room, actually, from across the apartment. I'm not kidding. If everyone stopped moving, I would venture to say that the people below us would be tempted to set up video equipment to "catch" the hideous demon that must be living in their walls, because it is so non-human sounding. And here's what's so hideous about it: it happens after I eat or drink. YES!!!! For most people,stomach noises are a reminder to eat something. For me, it is a reminder to the world that once again I have partaken of sustenance, which frankly, I do quite often. I eat and drink all the time. I am a one woman band when this stomach kicks in. If, by "one woman band" you think of a demonically possessed sludge-filled cave. It's bad. I don't think there's anything I can do. It gets worse the older I get. I don't know if it's because of the intestinal bypass surgery and the fact that my anatomy has been adapting to the "rebuild" for 12 years and this is just how it's going to be or if it's something else. All I know is that if I'm going out in public, I have to be starving...empty...dry...or I'm going to frighten young children and make dogs howl.

I'm not joking. I'm going to record it on this computer one of these days and make you all insane with fear. Hollywood is calling for the rights to my scary stomach sounds.