INDIANA JONES HAS NOTHING TO FEAR, UNLESS HE MEETS ME IN A DARK GARAGE

Okay, tonight I did a boneheaded move. Actually, I did four boneheaded moves.

I had to go to my niece's house, enter in the secret code that opens her garage door, go into her house, let her dog out, then go out. The problem? I didn't know how to reclose her garage door and I couldn't walk out the front door because I couldn't lock the door after me without the key. Big problem because they're out of town. Now, the last time I had to do that, my stepson, Elijah, was with me. The way we solved it then was as follows: I left the garage and watched in awe as Elijah hit the button to close the garage door from INSIDE THE GARAGE, then RUN and take his graceful, svelte body and roll out under the descending garage door before it hit the ground. He did it like a dance move. It was a beautiful thing. He didn't even pause to check for bruises afterwards, he simply hopped up and got into the car. He was simply stunning to watch. I have never forgotten it and I don't think I ever will. Truly, it was breath-taking. He's just one of those people who has beautiful control of his body. It's irritating. The only thing I can rejoice about is that I can steal his jeans and wear them. SCORE!

Anyway, I had a real problem tonight, but since Elijah did this magnificent Indiana Jones move, I thought, "Hey, I still have some moves in this old body, I think I could do the same thing and really, I have no other choice".

So, I put my purse outside of the garage door on the driveway (because I didn't want to be hampered), said goodbye to Max (the dog), took a couple of big breaths and shook out my limbs, hit the garage door button on the wall, and then ran as fast as I could toward the garage door, bending down at the last minute, and kind of rolling/squatting under the door. Huh-uh. Didn't work. That door bounced up and not only did it NOT close, the light flickered on and off several times in an effort to alert the neighbors, who for some reason were ALL OUT doing things in their garages and lawns at that time. So...back to the drawing board.

I went back into the garage to figure out what I did wrong. I checked for bruises and couldn't find any. I reshook out my legs and arms and cracked my neck. I hit the button, ran to the garage, DROPPED to my knees, and rolled out. No. The door bounced back up and yea...the lights flickered again.

Now, the guy across the street that was mowing his back lawn has stopped and is looking at the garage. The guy next to HIS house is holding his door open with his groceries still in his hands and staring in my direction. I pick up my purse and place it in my car like I meant to roll out of the garage. I then proceed back to the garage for another try. I know I can do this.

On the way back to the button, I have a slight limp. No problem. The adrenaline should take care of that. Deep breaths. Hit the button. Limp limp limp drop roll. LAME!!! Lights flicker. I didn't even make it all the way out. You could hear the door stifling a laugh.

I kind of crawled back to the button. I waited until everyone went back to their business and stopped watching. This took awhile. Plus, I needed the time to staunch the bleeding. I hit the button, leaped off the steps, attempted a "slide into home base" type of move...flicker flicker flicker.

I stomped/limped to my car and called my sister. Thankfully she answered even though she was at a huge party. I asked her if there was any way she could come over and lock the front door of her daughter's house because I had to leave. I told her what I had done, or attempted to do. When she stopped laughing, she asked me one question... "Can you do it one more time?" and then she gave me the code to close the door.....

The bruises can be covered by clothing...the shame?...that may take longer....