KISS, VOCAL CORDS, LEFT NOSTRIL

I saw an ENT today. That's an Ear-Nose-Throat specialist. I went because my throat is getting bigger and my voice gets hoarse when I speak for any length of time. So....I went to my referred specialist. And much to my surprise, apparently he's the vocal cord specialist to the stars!!! The walls are covered with personalized photos of Sinatra, the Beatles (especially Paul), lots and lots of actors, etc. It was pretty impressive. I figured I was in good hands. In my particular room, I had the pleasure of looking at a photo of my physician and Gene Simmons from KISS clowning around in what appeared to be a bar or restaurant.

So my doctor came in and he was delightful. We spoke for a bit and then he had to *gulp* scope me. YIKES. So they sprayed wanna-be cocaine into my sinuses and had me hold my head back so it would drain down my throat. That didn't bode well for what was to come. He had to thread a tube with a light and a camera through my nasal passages down into my throat down to my vocal cords to look at my "new adam's apple".

ME: Hmmm....can you go through the left nostril? The right nostril has a deviated septum.

DOC: Sure.

Doc begins the insertion process, starts threading the camera tube and hits a blockage...backs up and hits it again...backs up and hits it again...then says....

DOC: Looks like you have another deviation on this side down here.

ME: *thinking, lucky me!!!!*

DOC: Let's try it at a different angle.

ME: *not saying anything because THERE'S A FREAKING TUBE THREADED THROUGH MY FACE....MY FACE, PEOPLE!!!!!!

He attempts once again and gets through. I would say "YAY", except now he's threading a tube through my face, through the back of my mouth, and down my throat. This is so NOT natural, I'm almost laughing. Almost.

He now asks me to say, "eeeeeee" a number of times at different pitches, or notes, or tones, whatever. I have to imitate him. And there's a tube in my throat, which makes me want to swallow. Because there's a tube in my throat. I can't stress that enough.

He withdraws the tube and says, "Lets watch the video together!" the same way I say, "Let's watch Talk Soup with Joe McHale!" The only thing missing was, Joe McHale....and laughter.

And then he turned on the "video" and I saw the most beautiful thing. It appeared to be a veil. It was stunning. It was almost poetic. I watched it shimmy and move. The light caught it and I thought, "Isn't the body amazing"? It's a work of art, really!

So as I was caught up in this rapturous adulation of the human body, he pointed to this same structure and said, "See this, this is horrible. It's gross. it's mucous. You really need to get rid of this. I'll write you a couple of prescriptions. You have some allergies."

I thought, "Wait a minute....that doesn't look like that mucous in the Mucinex commercials!" Whatever.

So, he told me to get some Mucinex and some nasal spray. I also have a nodule on my left cord. I asked him how a nodule came to be and he said, "These things arise from misusing your vocal cords."

I wondered how I could have "misused" my vocal cords. Did I ever take out my vocal cords and dust with them? Was it all of those rock concerts I performed at in the 70s?.....j/k It's not like I karaoke on a regular basis....or even on an infrequent basis....I can count the times on both hands I've done that...with fingers left over. How have I possibly misused my vocal cords?

Well....so that's that. I'm up there in the big leagues now. Frank Sinatra, Elton John, and me. We're all part of the siblinghood...the vocal cord nodule club. I wonder if their mucous was as pretty as mine....