Interesting AND disturbing (the title of my autobiography?)

Oh...I had a huge entry here...came back to edit...and now it's gone...I can't redo it...such is life...but it was genius...GENIUS...j/k

"In Your Eyes".... (Peter Gabriel)

In your eyes I see...

The light the heat, I am complete

I see the doorways of a thousand churches

The resolution, of all the fruitless searches

Oh, I see the light and the heat.

I want to be that complete

I want to touch the light, the heat, I see in your eyes

Fun Day At Emmy's!

Yesterday, I went to Em's house. In the morning I had an accupuncture appointment, which was heaven (we really worked the emotional meridian...I don't know what it is but it involves needles between my thumb and forefinger and my great toe). Following my appointment, I listened to my voicemail and there was Mae's sweet little voice telling me that she loved me and all of the things we could do together when I came over such as, "I love it when you play with me outside and I love it when you play with me in my room"....oh puleese...like I need to hear more...I got on the horn and called Em and said, "Ummmm, I just listened to my voice mail from Mae and I'm heading for Interstate 10 as we speak."

So, it was a grand day...and I'm totally spoiled after I leave there...I feel bad tho...it's like I get bribed when I show up there..."Mom's coming, quick, compile a list of items she'll love and can carry home with her so she'll be motivated to visit again because our love isn't enough!" And then the guilt hits...

This is the list of items I schlepped home from my daughters house:

1. wonderfully scented, brand new soy candle that burns for 20 years, scented like a pine forest that spontaneously sprouts fresh baked apple pies.

2. a huge bulk-type box of herb tea that contains my favorite African herb, rooibios (what?, you don't have a favorite African herb?) along with herbs from 15 other continents...it's sweet and spicy.

3. the fragrance of her favorite fragrance that Mae and I drenched ourselves in so I smelled like Emmy all the rest of the day, as did Mae until bath time.

4. a package of designer "I" water for my facial skin that will make me look decades younger and allow me to leap over tall buildings in a single bound while baking cookies for the homeless and compaigning for my favorite presidential candidate, as soon as I figger out who that is.

5. a huge warehouse size bag of dehydrated apple chips, which I personally LOVE and which I will not share...and for which I will have to stand accountable for at the judgement bar...this is why I'm hoping the cookies and homeless thing mentioned above will come in handy...it's a balance you know?

6. and a restaurant called the Tortilla Factory. I came home with a dozen tamales, homemade tortillas, pica de gallo to die for and real home-style Mexican refried beans...oh my...

When she emails pics, I'll post them. Clarkie was absolutely edible and I still have to resist the desire to refer to him as Chuckie. Why is that? Why is he Chuckie to me? Because he makes me chuckle? He's perfect...absolutely perfect...no weak points.

Mae...ah Mae...

And Em...missed her so much while I was in Ohio with her siblings...she is beautiful and funny and gracious and compassionate and bright and perfect.

A Recent Conversation With My Dog...

My Dog: I need to go out

Me: I can't dude. I've got color on my hair...gray at the crown and all, you know.

Dog: Sorry, nature calls.

Me: Dude! Just wait another 30 minutes! I can't go out there looking like this.

Dog: I said sorry...let's go!

Me: Have a seat. Good boy.

Dog: Oh, that's not humiliating. You feed me crazy-rich food all weekend and you and your opposable thumbs can't take my old butt out to the golf course (your idea, by the way, that whole golf course thing) so I can relieve myself "legally" so I won't get into trouble?...do I have that right?

Me: Please Snoopy...I won't even dry my hair, I'll rinse and run out with wet hair...just hold it together...PLEASE???

Dog: It's dark outside, everyone is 108, they're in bed.

Me: Dude, it's November, it's a Hunter's moon, it's the brightest moon of the year...it casts freakin' shadows...

Dog: it's your carpet...how do you like this preview fart?

Me: Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude!

ADDENDUM: I took Snoop outside with my hair slicked back with color...complete in pajamas, short white socks and black maryjane shoes-stunning...Buddha went with us...he IMMEDIATELY ran up to a stranger...under a street light. Snoop took 5 dumps, I swear, when he was done his flippin collar was looser (and let me add that I clean up after him)...I went way over developing time and my head caught on fire...adding further light to the already illuminated street...

Was this your house?...me neither...

Yea...time marches forward...this wasn't my Thanksgiving but I'm still thankful for the multiple blessings in my life. I'm 51 and still have my Mom. Each of my children are well. I have four beautiful grandchildren. I'm sealed to a worthy Priesthood holder. I have a roof over my head and food to eat and clothes to wear and reliable transportaion and I even have two lovable canine companions that teach me unconditional love every single day.

As I've said before, the artist of this picture, Norman Rockwell, is my great great uncle (my biological brush with greatness) and I don't believe this was his Thanksgiving experience either...but hey, it's good to have a standard to shoot for...perhaps I need to purchase a cottony apron, maybe even billowy curtains...strangely, the fellow in the lower right corner who is the ONLY family member looking into the "camera" actually resembles my husband Peter, who is also from New England...*insert foreboding music here*

I'm back and readjusting to life in the poor lane...all is well...me out

THE LONGER I'M HERE...

The longer I'm here in C-bus, the younger I become...I'm not certain that's a good thing. By younger, I mean the birth order thing. I am seeing more and more the positions Mom and my sister Stephanie and I settle into after a protracted period of time spent together. The "newness" of my being home is gradually wearing out, which is probably a good thing; at the very least it is an interesting thing, and therefore my place in the family is revisted. Sitting in the backseat of the car is very natural, remaining silent during little arguments between mom and the big sister is also very natural...to take sides would be lethal...and the most interesting observation of late is that my when my oldest son Eric and I are at my mother's house together with my sister (who is 9 years older than me) I feel a sibling-type of relationship with him...almost a comraderie with him that I used to share with my brother in the same type of dynamic..."us" against "them" kind of thing....so very weird...and so fun to observe...but I don't feel that way with my youngest son Eli because he is my baby...I'm guessing that's the reason...and he will remain thus (the baby-obviously). Even tho he is graduating from OSU and his business acumen is impressive, as is his faith and spiritual prowess, he is my baby and my eyes twinkle with pride when he speaks and his voice echoes after he stops talking. Oh, I love my boys...

This trip will hurt when it ends...ouchy already....

A DAY L ATE AND 30 YEARS IN THE MAKING...

Happy birthday Emily Slusser...my blond haired, blue-eyed girl. Thank you for being who you are. Thank you for your righteous example every day and for loving your old weird mom. Thank you for bringing Jacob into our lives and for stunningly beautiful and bright Mae Mae and Clarkie (who looks so much like you and Eric as a baby-round, pink, blond and blue-eyed "an Emmy-designer child"). Thank you for the laughter each and every day when we talk...for the stories and the memories and the anecdotes and the blow-by-blow account of Life With Emmy-An Adventure For the Kind-Hearted.

You are so loved...so very very loved.

Love, Moo

A Day With Pops and TT...

Pops fell at the home today, 3rd time in 3 days. This time he went to the ER. So I met my niece, Tiffany, over there and we went through the routine of the CT scans and the heart monitors and the IVs...yada yada yada. Pops fell because of a new med that makes him drowsy and a fall-risk...so-make the drug a bed time drug, with less fall risk problems. We listened to Pops talk on and on...made him comfortable...listened to his unconnected stories...got him dressed...drove him home to the nursing facility and got him to his room.

It's difficult to watch this 94-year-old man who was a very successful business man and real estate investor become a little bony, rambling wizened man. He saw quite a bit of history in his day. He lived when Ellis Island immigrates were NOT particularly wanted (sound a little familiar?) and when being Jewish meant not getting hired or staying hired and marking "Catholic" on the "what is your religion" line on the employment form was job security...yes, they used to ask that...can you believe it?

He came in to my life when I was 18...that's a lot of life to share with someone. He's been around for marriages, babies, baptisms, missions, grandbabies, the whole shebang. I guess what this rambling post has to say is, I don't know how to sum up a life spent with someone when that life dwindles down to a slow spin. We live in fear of losing someone suddenly to a car accident or a catastrophic disease that would take them from us relatively quickly and chaotically, but these lives that go on for decades and then leave incrementally; the moments are so tender, so painful, so sweet and so funny, they leave us raw, frightened and somehow edified. What a ride this journey is. I'm so blessed to have this family on board together...and so grateful for this day spent with Tiff, Pops and me...very tender and sweet...very.

A HUG FROM ALEX...

Alexander is my grandson. He'll be 11 next month...ELEVEN! He was diagnosed with autism when he was 18 months. We were stunned. Right before his diagnosis, I remember just knowing that something wasn't right. I was standing in the kitchen stirring a big pot of soup. His grandpa came in and I just broke down saying, "We're losing him, we're losing him". And anecdotally "they" say that the family does "lose" the child with autism and that the family must learn to love that child that replaces him or her...the idea being that the original hopes and dreams placed in the child that was born are no longer appropos and must be readjusted to the reality of the situation.

So, being the Bowman Family we just made our jokes and struggled through it. We worked out a routine. Grandpa would hold Al (as he was called then) in his arms and either hold him up at the big picture window (as he loved to see the outside) or weather permitting walk him outside around and around the house and I would rock him in my chair while he drank juice from his sippee cup. Never a word was spoken...when he wanted more juice, he just raised his arm up, holding the cup high, and someone, anyone, would break their neck to replace the juice and bring it back to him.

My two teenage sons would play with him on the trampoline, which he adored. They would hold him on their laps and play with him on the piano. They would take him to the Dairy Queen for treats. They would have stood on their heads for hours if it would have made him happy. And they did all of this with no thought for receiving any affection in return. It was out of pure love, unfeigned, and given without any thought of reward or return.

My daughter Em, his aunt, worshipped the ground he walked on. It caused her no little amount of pain to be away from his at college but her thoughts were always always with him, as well as her prayers. And even when she was dead broke, she found money to spend of little gifts for Al.

And his mother, Jette. She was not prepared for this...of all the kids. But she was always the child without guile. She did not see race or appearance. Why wouldn't Al go to her? The hardest night was sitting in the front seat of her car and watching helplessly as she beat her arms against her steering wheel asking "why"? I had no answers except, "why not"?

We all learned baby-sign and that worked beautifully. It was fun to have him communicate something-ANYTHING-to us. We were hungry for his thoughts. We never expected anything. His diagnosis was bleak. We were told many things. He would never be potty-trained (fully trained by age 4), he would never speak (he yaks plenty, even tho he pronounces "c"s and "g"s as "t"s...who cares) and he certainly would never be a typical student in a typical school (he goes to Worthington in a "typical" 4th grade classroom and is beginning algebra, which he is a whiz at).

But more than anything, all this time later, when I went to pick him up tonight, I was greeted by my grandson, now called Alex (he dropped the "Al" a couple of years ago) who ran to meet me yelling, "Drandma" and hugged me so hard he cracked my back and said in my ear, "I'm so happy to see you, I'm glad you're here".

And I replied, "I'm glad you're here too buddy"...and I mean that at several levels young man...I'm so glad you're here....

JUST A DELICIOUS DAY SPENT WITH FAMILY...

Today in Ohio I had the pleasure of spending the morning with Eric and big Eli. Eric and I cleaned Mom's house rather thoroughly, which felt great. Then Eli came over and we all had lunch together here at Mom's house after I dropped Mom off at Sunrise to spend the afternoon with Pops. The boys and I discussed a project I came up with and laughed and enjoyed each other's company until Eli had to go to work.

Later I took Eric to work and zipped over to my brudder's house for grilled dogs and burgers. I met my daughter Jette and grand daughter Emma Jane there and we all had a blast together. I discussed my idea for a new book with him and his family and received good great feedback.

I then returned home exhausted, visited with Mom until she went to bed and was about to get on the 'puter when my sister walked in the door. We had a great convo then went next door to her house and watched THE OFFICE together. Now I'm back at Mom's, updating the blog and waiting until 11:00 PM when I pick Eric up at work and come back to fall into bed....ahhhh...what a great day. I have forgotten how full of family and friends C-bus is. I don't have this as a typical day in California... It's so odd to be back in a place where one has lived for almost 50 years...the connections are so great and deep and wide. The names are familiar, the faces are familiar, the street names are familiar. It's comforting as well as unsettling...but it's home and I'll take it. me out