Bye Bye Xanax....Hello Heart

"Every day we slaughter our finest impulses. That is why we get a heartache when we read those lines written by the hand of a master and recognize them as our own, as the tender shoots which we stifled because we lacked the faith to believe in our own powers, our own criterion of truth and beauty. Every man, when he gets quiet, when he becomes desperately honest with himself, is capable of uttering profound truths. We all derive from the same source. there is no mystery about the origin of things. We are all part of creation, all kings, all poets, all musicians; we have only to open up, only to discover what is already there."
— Henry Miller

Well Mr. Miller, despite the masculine tendencies of your speech, I suppose you know what you are talking about. Your words resonate in my heart and therefore I must pay attention...if I continue to medicate or numb the things in life that aren't fun or pretty, then perhaps I'm denying myself the opportunity to experience, and then perhaps to capture with phrase, those emotions that shake me. When I walk in the morning, I enjoy seeing the butterflies and hummingbirds that flutter past me in the park, but I am also darkly curious about the big ugly beetles and their roles in the same pretty flowers that the hummies play in. If they both live in the same pretty flower bush, then they each have relevance and place and role. Who am I to deny the existence of one over the other based on the color of wings, the poetry of flight or symmetry of shape? Perhaps if I capture an emotion or shadow that lingers over my heart, instead of running away from it, and take that shadow and look at it, shine a light on it, poke it, maybe it won't be so shadowy anymore...or...maybe it will get darker and snarkier...I don't know...I've never poked a shadow before....Well, I suppose there's a first for everything.......pass me a stick....

Two great signs: one in Old Town Temecula Root Beer Store and the other on the strip in Las Vegas

Walt Whitman..."The Oath of the Poet"....nice quote...italics are mine.

"This is what you shall do: Love the earth and sun and the animals, despise riches, give alms to everyone that asks, stand up for the stupid and the crazy, devote your income and labor to others, hate tyranny, argue not concerning God, have patience and indulgence towards people, take your hat off to nothing known or unknown or to any man or number of men, go freely with powerful uneducated persons and with the young and with the mothers of families, read these leaves in the open air every season of every year of your life, re-examine all you have been told at school or church or in any book, dismiss whatever insults your soul, and your flesh shall be a great poem and have the richest fluency not only in its words but in the silent lines of its lips and face and between the lashes of your eyes and in every motion and joint of your body… You shall go directly to the creation. Your trust shall master the trust of everything you touch… and shall master all attachment."
— Walt Whitman, "The Oath of The Poet"

I don't know what it means to "master all attachment", but when I'm a grown-up, I imagine I will understand it then...and perhaps I'll even desire it...you know...that whole mastering attachments thing...but until then, I'm going to go freely with the mothers of families, cause they're cool, smart and funny and I always learn from moms...all kinds of moms...always.

A Quote from the "The Tao of Pooh"...

By the time it came to the edge of the forest the stream had grown up, so that it was almost a river, and being grown-up, it did not run and jump and sparkle along as it used to do when it was younger, but moved more slowly. For it knew now where it was going, and it said to itself, "There is no hurry. We shall get there someday."

What we lose in the sparkle we make up for in peace...I find.

La Tee Da...what we do for art...a sisters' journey through rain, lightening, wind, and pottery...

So, while in Ohio, my sister set up a tent at an art show at Easton. She makes some groovy pottery in her studio and has sold some nice pieces. She took some of her "flower bowls" which are cute little bowls that have 1-3 "columns" in them. You place cut blossoms in the columns, put an inch or two of water in the bowl and the blossoms absorb the water and ta dah, a cute way to display pottery and nature on a table, in a bathroom, bedroom, anywhere...well, those are my personal faves..anyway, she had her pretty white tent up, selling, visiting with people, etc. Mom and I spent the morning with her and then I took mom home. When I dropped Mom off, I noticed the sky had darkened dramatically. I told Mom, "I have to get back to the east side, Steph's alone and the storm heading that way" so off I drove, beating the storm front by minutes. By the time I got there, she had the pottery gathered into the middle of the tent, upside down to prevent falling, and the tent tied down. I ran into the tent and there we were, hunkered down and ready for a heartland thunder boomer. But here are the pics...



All was well before the storm...pretty flower bowls...Some more of her pretty bowls...I love her stains and shapes.


This is what I saw when I arrived....not too promising...gotta get to my sister's tent and PRONTO!!!

I arrived and found her waiting outside of her closed-up tent, watching others close down...wondering, "Hmmmm, what to do now....who will come and weather the storm with me???....could it be the most wonderful sister on the planet?...why, is that an angel coming?....or is it just my sweet sister Debbie?...." Yea, I made my own self barf writing that...

This is my sister and I actually holding the tent down while 50-65 mph winds whipped the tents and other exhibits around us into a chaotic mess. And yes, those are metal poles we're holding onto...and did I mention we were standing in WATER while lightening cracked around us...yes...the question begs to be asked, "are we brave or stupid"? We choose to answer, "faithful"...to her art and to each other.

After the winds died down, this pool "noodle" actually floated underneath our tent...so this is Steph ready for action...dinner in one hand, pottery in the other, a floation device for safety and we are in business!

The tent opens up for business and there is Steph, no worse for wear, making light of our adventure and it's business as usual.

But not before a quick Wizard of Oz reference....it had to be done...BUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

OUR THREE-WEEK GRIEVING PROCESS...

We drove to the funeral...and that just never gets old (sorry, sarcasm alert)...picking out the appropriate clothing, jewelry, shoes, accessories...busy work that keeps us occupied...strategies that seem trivial when taken out of context but somehow keep us sane in an otherwise insane situation. And doesn't she look beautiful? This is what a woman looks like as she goes to say goodbye to her sweetheart. Note to self: go before Peter.

We continued to worship. Grab that faith flag and wave it!!! There is comfort and support and even if you don't feel particularly loving or whole, there is something to sitting and giving worship with a faith-based community of souls. The practice of doing this pulls one outside of oneself and draws your sights to a greater light, a larger whole, a bigger picture. For maybe the first time in the entire process, you realize that you are NOT the center of the universe and your pain, while hideous, has already been experienced by millions of others and look, they're still standing and what???!!!, they're functioning and even giving comfort back???...how could this be?...it just is...go to church.

Take in natural beauty. Lovely things are God's greeting cards. "Here", God says, "This is for you, from me, drink it in, hold it in your mind, and think about it when you need it...and...you're welcome"

Surprise! We had a wedding!!! What joy and what a blessing. Someone that we love like crazy, is crazy in love with a really crazy, funny, loving lady! Look at love. Yep, it ached a little, but it was a good ache, the kind you get when someone gives you a foot rub and it "hurts so good" in a few spots...so take in love, in all of its' forms.

We rejoiced in multigenerational love...nothing better than watching perpetuation of the gene pool...especially the maternal one...heh heh heh...

We let mom (the new "widder") teach us how to cook..okay, ME, how to cook...what ev...

This is Mom showing me how to make a "rich chicken broth for noodles" because if the broth isn't rich, you may as well throw the noodles out...note to self: never serve mom my noodles...

We got our nails done...because beauty matters...healthy self esteem equals better coping skills. I don't understand how or why, but it does...go with it.

We entertained visitors...

We ate. Okay, it wasn't exactly "dining", but let's face it...there's something waaaay satisfying about the old White Castle....

And let's not get started on the therapeutic value of eating Amish food...it's almost a religious experience...only with a buffet and a groovy gift shop.

We played scrabble because we have to keep our minds working. We must continue to strategize and spark our neurons and stay mentally healthy...yes, we used "strategery" to keep ourselves mentally fit...heh heh heh.

We went to watch funny movies...our personal favorite was the new Get Smart with Steve Carell...we laughed...a LOT...we also peed a little...we passed a group of young people on the way out of the theatre...my sister and I were pushing mother in her wheel chair and the three of us were still laughing hysterically...and I mean hysterically...the kids asked us what we had just watched and we told them "Get Smart", but then we added that "we had just smoked a LOT of pot so, you know"...and then we started laughing even harder....oh...we kill us...

And then we went to buy bird seed, because mundane things mean the world goes on...

We celebrated the Fourth of July with family and friends because that's what healthy, happy people do...and we're willing to fake it until we make it...and you know what?...it was FUN...thanks Steph and David.

We supported our loved ones in their own endeavors because it's not just about the one grieving...we get out of ourselves and out of our own way and allow others to go on living...and THAT was fun to. Look at that guy. This was a huge thing for him. His autism wants to keep him trapped in his own head but this little trooper is out there several times a week doing the best he can in a world that's difficult for him to understand. He is an inspiration to me. By the way, during this game he got beaned on the head and took a ball on the bridge of his nose...and still managed to score two runs...go Alex go.

Occasionally the storm clouds would gather but we knew that would happen and we let the rain fall...and the tears...

We just held each other up and waited for the smiles to come out with the sun.

We revisited our roots. It helps to know where you come from, how you got where you are and where you plan on going...perspective perspective perspective...
AND THEN...
God looked at us and winked. He winked. While there, we received the heavenly news that we're (Eli and Abby) expecting twins in January...these are a few reactions...heh heh heh





And now in this Pop-less world, his legacy must continue. And so, in keeping with that, I will continue his preferred farewell..."Leave them laughing and say goodbye".
See ya in October Mom. Love you.

Ohio...oh my oh....

I have collected a series of pictures, taken throughout my three-week stay in Ohio. As you may recall, I went there for the express purpose of burying my father. He is my stepfather, but he came into my life at age 19 and as I turn 53 this year, the prefix of "step" gets caught in my throat each time I attempt to say it...so it is typically excluded from my vocab while discussing Pops.

I am a bit distraught that I cannot access my pictures at this point in time due to a glitch at blogspot...absolutely maddening...but, my heart is full as to what happened during the three short weeks I spent in the heartland. Remember, I went to bury a man, but so much more happened...it takes my breath away to recount all that transpired, and continues to transpire. When I can post pics, I will make an attempt to document our grieving process. We rocked it my friends...if the grieving process can be rocked, it was rocked...

I will just say that I am back, I am happy, I am edified, I am a better daughter, sister, mother and friend...and I stand all amazed...

Life...just rock it.